Pasta comes in all shapes and sizes. It’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it? But how do you know which pasta is right for you?
As a NY-born Italian-American and former fat kid, I have done extensive testing and tasting, making me what some call a Rhodes Scholar of Pasta. With my expertise, I have created the definitive list to determine which pasta shapes are all hype and which are worth the bite.
Penne — All Hype
Let’s start out with a banger.
Penne is the John Smith of pasta. Everybody knows him, but no one says to him, “Wow, what a beautiful and unique aura you have.”
He’s a perfectly likable guy, but when anyone else walks into the room, eyes are drawn away from Penne.
Some people like to be vanilla as fuck, and that’s okay. But if you have any semblance of personality, look beyond penne.
Rigatoni — Worth the Bite
I know you’re thinking, “Wow, Steve, rigatoni is just as basic as penne. What kind of bullshit argument is this?”
And at face value, I agree. But consider this.
You’re at an Italian restaurant and see Rigatoni alla Vodka and Penne alla Vodka on the menu. Which one sounds more delicious?
The answer is rigatoni, and that is a scientific fact.
Why? Well, for starters, rigatoni is way more fun to say. It adds a slightly exotic feel to your pasta dish, akin to how John Smith feels when he puts on a Hawaiian shirt before heading to a pool party.
That’s right. Rigatoni is the Hawaiian shirt-wearing penne.
And from a more structural standpoint, rigatoni reigns supreme. Rigatoni is a staple on Italian restaurant menus, and for good reason. It has an incredible chew, it holds sauce incredibly well, and it’s a more substantial bite of pasta.
So while there is nothing inherently wrong with penne, it’s an overused, under-delivering pasta shape compared to virtually any other option.
Moving on, let’s talk noods.
Bucatini — All Hype
Bucatini is, for some reason, having a moment.
Every trendy Italian spot in NYC has Bucatini Cacio e Pepe on the menu (don’t get me started on my opinions on cacio e pepe, btw), and people think it’s the Mona Lisa of pasta dishes.
Well, they’re wrong.
Bucatini, aka spaghetti with a hole in it, offers no improvement to traditional noodle-shaped pastas.
What is the purpose of the hole?
Other hole-bearing pastas allow the sauce to penetrate them, creating a sauce-exploding bite that would make a nun blush. But the hole in bucatini is too small, and the noodle itself is too long to offer any advantage.
Bucatini is simply spaghetti with extra steps and a way for restaurants to charge a premium for 13 cents’ worth of ingredients.
Pappardelle / Tagliatelle — All Hype
Bet you thought I’d follow up a hyped-up pasta shape with a worthy alternative.
Wrong.
The noodle subgenre of pasta is arguably the one with the most pretenders, and if you thought bucatini was hyped, get a load of these two.
Pappardelle, aka skinny lasagna sheets, and tagliatelle, aka pappardelle cut in half, have been taking over menu space from more worthy pasta shapes for the better part of a decade.
Yes, you can argue these are “ribbon” pastas and not noodles, and to that I say, fuck off. Stop making up pasta categories.
But the real issue I have with these two is their functionality.
You are basically eating a deconstructed lasagna. It’s like calling nachos a deconstructed taco. Hasn’t the deconstructed fad died in culinary fashion yet?
Not to mention, the allure of a noodle is the slurp factor, and given the girthiness of paperdelliatelle (my celebrity couple name for these two), it really limits your slurp effectiveness.
Also, because of their size, it’s just another way for restaurants to reduce the actual amount of pasta they serve you. Shrinkflation, am I right, Boomers?
If you put a plate of pappardelle bolognese in front of me, would I eat it?
Of course. I’m not an animal.
But will I judge you for being a highfalutin wannabe?
Yes. Yes, I will.
So what noodle is an acceptable one, you may ask?
Fettuccine — Worth the Bite
What pasta shape has had a bigger falloff than fettuccine?
In the ’90s, if you wanted decadence, you ordered Fettuccine Alfredo. Now, if you want Fettuccine Alfredo, you order from Olive Garden.
To me, that is wrong.
And before the pasta purists come after me, yes, I know fettuccine and tagliatelle aren’t technically the same thing. But if you’re going to order tagliatelle, just order fettuccine. Stop trying to be cute.
Fettuccine, the flatter, wider relative of spaghetti, has two things going for it.
The first is nostalgia.
The second is a special moment that I’ve only experienced when eating fettuccine.
I’m talking about that magical moment when the creamy sauce sticks to several pieces of fettuccine, forming a firm, chewy mega-noodle that cannot be replicated anywhere else.
It truly is a special bite of pasta.
So next time you find yourself at an Italian joint, think before you chew, and maybe you’ll experience pasta like you never have before.
And don’t worry, we’re not done. There are still plenty of pasta shapes that need to answer for their crimes.